Tag Archives: life lessons

A Dynamic Education: My Stroke of Insight

4 Jan

I’ve yet to write about the written word. Odd. I love to read and do so frequently, but the experience gleaned from reading a book is usually so personal, so rich in depth and detail that it’s difficult to truly discuss or recommend with anything but a skewed perspective. I suppose everything I’ve shared has been from my own opinions and experiences but I choose to extract my own lesson and then express it in hopes it’ll snowball with positivity. Much of my favorite philosophical material makes its way into my writing and my yoga classes but to summarize the inspiration packed into a good book feels daunting. Kudos to those of you who can and do that brilliantly. I respectfully ask for your open-mindedness as I sum up and recommend a beautiful book I read recently, one that carries within truths I’ve learned from other sources, but so precisely and exquisitely provides useful information and such wise insight that I must encourage you to read it yourself. This book is My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor.

I love novels, imagination, stories, but I’m drawn to varying perceptions and expressions of reality, of truth. I suppose that’s why I studied psychology and why I pursue other artful sciences, because they live almost permanently in the gray. I like the back and forth, the theoretical tennis it involves, the minds you encounter and discover and the lessons you learn about yourself and life. I love to think and I love to laugh. I read mostly autobiographies, memoirs, satire and philosophy. This is predominantly, not entirely. I will read almost anything, this just seems to be my tendency. My Stroke of Insight is at once a stunning true story told from the author’s perspective and also a meaningful lesson on both the duality and the ambiguity of the human existence. It’s 200 pages of fascinating information, beautiful insight and impassioned story-telling. I can’t wait to re-read it.

Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor was a brain scientist, a career she pursued after growing up with a brother afflicted with schizophrenia, a tragic neurological disorder widely misunderstood in the medical community, whose sufferers more often than not take their own lives. In between hours of neuro-chemical research, Jill traveled the country on behalf of the Harvard Brain Bank, encouraging others through enthusiastic speeches and catchy jingles to donate their brains to science (once deceased of course, not as some sort of sacrifice, just to be clear). There were very few as educated or as passionate as Dr. Taylor was about the human brain and it’s functioning. Her story took an astonishing turn when she suffered from a massive stroke in the left hemisphere of her brain on December 10th, 1996. My Stroke of Insight follows her experience from the morning of the stroke, her post-stroke experience in and out of the hospital, and her arduous, 8 year recovery back to a fully functioning and even better human being.

As many of you may know, we have two hemispheres in our very complicated brains. Each side is responsible for various functions and both work together to create a singular reality rather than a confusing duality. I, personally, have always been envious of left-handed people. Sounds ridiculous I’m sure, but I learned at a young age that left-handedness often leads to some gnarly artistic expression, a unique experience in day-to-day life and all around more balanced human beings. There is scientific research to support that left-handed people tend to have strengths on both sides of the brain and tend to grasp bigger picture lessons even easier than most. There are exceptions to every rule and we certainly should factor in one’s environment but if you just take a poll of famous artists, a strong number of them are left-handed and I don’t believe that’s an accident. I think their dominant right brain had something to do with it. The lesson this book taught me is I have every capacity to tap into my right brain regardless of my left brain’s desire to dominate. I can certainly carve out the details of my life to support a more balanced functioning, a life where I take advantage of the positives provided by each hemisphere. It helped me to stop assuming I wasn’t an artist because I’m so clearly linguistic, mathematic, sporty and analytical. I can choose to pursue the other side and level myself out to live a full life.

Jill hemorrhaged into her left hemisphere, specifically the areas processing language, that includes both the spoken and written word. She heard people speaking and her brain processed it as if a dog was barking. The left side is also where we carry our mathematic understanding (those of you who struggle with math can feel proud that you are probably more right-brained, you are not lesser than in any way, despite what traditional public schools lead some to believe, it’s simply a matter of brain chemistry and how your unique brain processes information. fascinating!), spacial concepts, athletic tendencies and a sense of time, linear sequences allow you to make sense out of what happened before and therefore what may happen next. Something as simple as knowing to put your socks on before your shoes is lost when your left hemisphere is impaired. Incredible. Your left brain also houses your inner (sometimes outer) monologue, your incessant stream of thoughts, judgments and analysis. This voice can either help or hinder you. I feel often it simply takes over and rather than us voluntarily thinking, thinking just happens to us, similar to our hearts pumping and our lungs drawing in and releasing air. One of the life-changing lessons I’ve learned from this book and from another favorite, Eckhart Tolle, is we are in charge. I can positively affect the rate of my heart beat, the quality of my breath and content circulating in my mind. And they’re all connected.

Now, as painful and difficult as it was for Jill to essentially lose who she was, the knowledge and memories she’d gained, and to be tasked with re-learning basic human functions, motor skills, language, math, time; it was equally if not beyond cathartic for her to experience life all right, entirely out of the right hemisphere that is. Our right brains don’t see ourselves as solid, independent beings separate from the rest of life. Instead, the right hemisphere recognizes the universal truth, we are all One, alive in the only “time” there ever is, Now. While Jill laid relatively motionless in her hospital bed, confused and in pain, she also felt a supreme light within her, she felt as if her body and mind was fluid, no beginning or end, at One with everything around her. Instead of processing the words people were speaking to her, she could only perceive their attitudes, their energy, their sense of presence in her company. That’s why during her recovery, she responded best to those who treated her like a fellow sentient being, not someone who was broken with irreparable damage, but someone who was new and perfectly capable of making a full recovery. She needed patience, kindness and belief.

We learn in school that 93% of communication is non-verbal (that was the figure when I was in school, it may vary a percentage point or two now). That’s why many of us are sensitive to tone, facial expression and body language over simple words. I’m fairly sensitive to those who come across disingenuous. I’d almost rather you be slightly negative in my presence than fake, because insincerity and role-playing have become a normal way to function in our society and although respect and manners are important, honest and authentic exchanges foster more positivity and growth than acting our way through life. The reason I’ve developed more and more happiness and substantive relationships is partially due to luck and partially because I became fed up with my left brain, the judgmental mind chatter and the pursuit of society and what I felt were other’s definitions of a full life. It is no surprise to me that the majority of people I choose to surround myself with these days operate out of a very right-brained mentality. They’re compassionate, understanding, funny and loving people. Left brainers have that potential too. I’m a left brainer and I’m striving for balance.

I learned in My Stroke of Insight the value of each hemisphere. My left brain dominance has allowed me to rarely be late, to remember every single important date imaginable and to pick up languages fairly easily. I have a decent memory and keen hand-eye coordination. I also have atrocious hand-writing, cannot draw or paint to save my life and I can be pretty stubborn about certain beliefs. I’ve found it valuable through reading and learning to pinpoint my strengths and also my weaknesses. I love being surprised by someone who initially rubbed me the wrong way. I care much less about the outcome of sports games than I used to, focusing now on the enjoyment of watching or playing, or simply choosing other hobbies instead. My mind is much more open and pliable now. My religion is Love, my political beliefs are a hodge podge of values stemming from key issues and align with no particular party or person (It is my goal to feel less and less discouraged by the insincerity and greed in our government, it’s a work in progress), and I’ve been fortunate enough to use my athletic sensibilities with creativity and philosophy as I teach yoga. And I’ve discovered to be and feel artistic, you just have to open your heart and find your own expression. It’s in there, go find it.

This book gave me such rich information not only on the details of our brains, but my brain in particular. It’s another window into understanding humanity and feeling more connected and empathic, rather than more separate. It also provides such a slew of wisdom on recovery, both as a the sufferer and the caretaker. Regardless if you or someone you love has suffered from a stroke or some other physical/mental setback, this book provides a myriad of coping mechanisms and methods for success in dynamic ways. It’s beautiful to see that even within the black and white, the specific functions of each hemisphere, there’s still potential for a world of interpretation, a kaleidoscope of conjecture, a sea of gray . While we are one in the same with our fellow man and this planet in general, we can still hone our distinctive characteristics and views as an individual, adding something special to the whole. I feel grateful to have a fully functioning brain and body and completely empowered by the knowledge and truth that I am in charge of cultivating my mind, body and life to keep improving, keep working toward balance and peace.

If you’ve read any of my previous articles (and I thank you if you have), then you’ve most likely surmised that my aim is not to simply review a piece of art and dissect it for its validity or awfulness, but more to share the process and effect something had on my head and heart, how it may have improved me as a human being and how it may support you through whatever circumstances make up your days. I digress, run off on tangents, interrupt myself consistently and find new lessons even as I write, just as I’m doing right now, but know that in these 63 articles, my goal is to spread something beneficial and positive, to share a bit of myself and hope that it resonates with you, therefore connecting us all even more. Whether through a delicious meal, a spell-binding film, gut-busting piece of comedy, beautiful music, a page-turning book, or some random life-lesson I’ve acquired through my own mistakes or been shown by other’s wisdom, my method of scratching an itch is to process and analyze my mental and physical response and hopefully express it in a unique, creative and ultimately helpful way. So if you’ve read many of my pieces and thought, wow, she’s all over the place, what’s her objective? Her plan? Her purpose? It’s simply to pass on what is working for me, let go of what isn’t and encourage everyone to find their own version of the same. I certainly hope that’s coming across. Thank you for the platform and the feedback. I hope we all continue to connect and get better together.

Explore the dynamics of your individual brain, the duality of life and everything in between. Be open. Absorb. Evolve. Learn from the past and then let it go. Look forward to the future but don’t look forward for contentment. Euphoria and satisfaction are within you and can only truly be experienced through the right brain’s truth, Here and Now.

A Buoyant Heart

6 Dec

I’ve been so appallingly fortunate my entire life to have been surrounded by good people. Even those dealing with personal demons still retained their humanity and their ability to love. Since becoming an adult and encountering different walks of life, while still fostering existing relationships, my fellow earthlings have taught me invaluable lessons, inspired me to tears and extracted an even better human being out of me, slowly. I think I was born with a really big heart, full of compassion and gratitude, but I’m also plagued with an overactive mind, that at times seeks to supersede my slowly evolving heart. When I’m with those of you who’re impacting me positively, whether it be family, close friends, Yoga students, fellow teachers, or those I’ve yet to know personally but the effect of your influence has stuck, I feel enlightened, uplifted, full, warm, and almost explosive with what I feel is a collective potential. I just want to hug everyone, it’s almost nauseating my level of happiness.

Then, at times, in my off hours, alone, under the gray wintery skies, out of communication, when it’s just me, the voice in my head is louder than the beat of my heart. I have to remind myself to breathe deeply, to feel and hear the sound of life moving in and out and to quell the cynical, lonely voice seemingly screaming I am not enough. I’d say 90% of the time, I feel content, joyful, appreciative and full of love. It’s that pesky 10% that closes the door of my heart, brings out the inner and outer judgement, and makes me feel stuck. I scramble to interact with others, via text, via social media, via coffee shops, public transportation, via life. Perhaps I have difficulty being alone and allowing the love I feel the majority of the time to be reflected inwardly as well as out. The irony is how independent and self-sufficient I encourage myself and others to be. The truth is I need you. I need others. And just admitting that feels sad, but I’m learning to surrender and accept that and to do my best to give to you what you’ve given to me. And that symbiotic exchange and knowing will pull us out of the self-doubt, the loneliness, the confusion, the darkness, and bring us gently back into the light, the warmth, the support and the love.

Below is just a reflection of those moments where I felt my heart closing up again, the skepticism creeping back into my thoughts and the voice in my head sliding toward the negative. So often I experience such profoundly positive highs from the interaction with others that when I return to normalcy, I sometimes feel low. My objective during these moments is to bring awareness, feel it fully and handle it honestly. All I want for others is to feel the love I’ve felt and to feel that most of the time, and when they don’t, to remind themselves they will again. I’m so grateful, even when sad, and I hope the truth of who I’m unraveling to be is someone who has affected you in a positive way, whether it be subtle or more profound, through my writing, teaching, friendship or casual encounter. I wish you Love.

Buoyant Heart

Sardonic, demonic
Charred and scarred
Black, bleak
Enigmatic, mystique
Enlivened by promise
Distempered by lies
Heavy and wounded
Achey and guarded
Prayers for amnesia
Begging for mercy
Laborious, treacherous
Searching for light, hope
Desperate to float
Reparation required
Overwhelmed by the task
Progress out of necessity
Please find the opening
Relax, receive
Uplift yourself
Surrender the pride
Love is worth the risk
Go for the ride
Do not drown
You cannot sink
Stay above
No guard, no glove
Exhale, release
Have the courage to start
Carry within, a buoyant heart

I want what's inside me to reflect the beauty, stillness and strength of this, and to provide the world a similar positive contribution as simple and profound as a tree.

Who I am becoming…

7 Sep

I typically write how I speak and therefore only have some trepidation in simply hitting “Publish” after transcribing my last meal. I took me a while to put myself out there in that way, which may seem strange or even ridiculous, but I’ve lived most of my life in fear of the unknown and of my own criticism. Through a series of events since turning 27 I’ve delved deeper into my form of self-expression, writing. I believe art is an act of courage and although what I’m writing may not seem like art to some, I feel a modicum of anxiety each time I release my words, and so maybe there is a courageous person hidden somewhere.

Sarcasm and humor predicates almost all conversations and experiences. It bleeds into my writing. I simply cannot help it. Deep down, there is a sweet, vulnerable woman who is hungry for life experiences and wants to love. Perhaps it’s easy to express that love for food. It has only ever loved me back, but in all sincerity it’s those I choose to share a table with that I want to love, outwardly. Behind the tough exterior and facetious defense lies a human being open to change, who yearns to let go, nut up, stop getting in their own way and welcome people and experiences into their life.

I’ve transitioned from first to third person, clearly in an act of defensiveness. I’m back. So there it is. I’m strong and smart and humorous and hungry. Mainly, I’m just a woman with 2.7 decades on Earth and a voracious need for self-acceptance. Absorbing art and sustenance is not enough. I must heed the advice I pass on to my yoga students, everything I need is already within me. I’m slowly beginning to bring a sincere, inner YES to whatever is and if I do not like it, I must be proactive in changing it or simply accept it as it is.

Negative patterns have created a fear of failure, leading to safe decisions and built-up fortresses. Starting this blog was a step in the right direction. I make zero dollars and get very little feedback but I love it. I cannot paint, draw, sculpt, or play an instrument, but I feel strong when doing this, in expressing what I love in my voice, in what I feel is a creative way and using this form to make others feel special. If I’ve written for you, or to you, similar to sharing food with you, then you’re alright with me. Thank you for being in my life and thank you for reading.

This wordy glimpse into the state of my evolution as it stands today is for me to let this burden of self-deprecation go. I occasionally write poetry, or discuss serious topics beyond the culinary variety and I’m utilizing this platform to be brave, to bring the artist within out, for better or worse. In that light, I’d like to share a poem I wrote the other night. It was after a particularly interesting and insightful day. I’m a bit of a thinker and I feel I’m blossoming into a doer, maybe even an artist.

Thank you, again. If you relate to being your own worst critic and getting in your own way, branch out today. Do something that excites/scares you; the relief in doing brings a rush of bliss inside. My aim and hope for myself and others is to be as fearless within as I am without. I’ll try lamb brain and jump out of an airplane but I can’t let anyone read a fricken poem? How much sense does that make? As if ridicule ever killed someone. Am I right, people? Don’t let me or you get away with cowardess, especially when the sacrifice is personal happiness and peace. You deserve it. So do I. Peace, love, laughs and hugs.

Old Soul in a New World

Nostalgic for a time I never knew
Never here
Or there
Pleading to belong

Longing for light
A breakthrough
An opening
Needing to feel alive

Hopeful but there’s doubt
Reckless confusion abound
Maybe I’ll find my place
The answer will reveal itself

I question worthiness
Contradictory needs for validation
The path is slowed, possibly destroyed
Reversed if the truth is found

Roots provide the way
And that route is knowing
Believing, thinking, never enough
Living in timelessness, loving beyond the rest