Birds sing wildly in the trees while we sleep
Animals surrounding our love nest
And only we understand why we weep
Because beings other than humans just know they belong
But how can we somehow sing the same song
Croon the sounds of joy and burst with radiant being
Knowing, believing
I succumb to my nature with my love by my side
His smell, his skin, welcoming me home
I am not alone
With thoughts, with fears, or anything human
In intimacy, all definitions clear
We are but one being sharing breath
Safe to build our tribe and love out loud together
Forever
While sleeping to the soundtrack of a birdsong we belong
So we must never forget
This is always there
No matter where
Or when
It exists within
That harmonious feeling you see
Is merely a reflection of you back to me
We shine life into each other’s eyes
Reverberate love to the infinite skies
The birds watch from above
The earth encourages from below
Let’s go
And keep going
Building
Thriving
Sing, dance, express
Live like we’re dying
Worry not, sweet human
This is not a test
It’s life
Your life
You are life
So quit the strife
And decide
To be
Free
Live and love wildly
Satisfy yourself
And be kind
Keep flowin
There is no rewind
So find
Your meaning
Your purpose to be
You deserve love, and life
No more
No less
Than me
Where’s the beauty?
I feel the cool sting of my dog’s nose on my hip
My eyes blink open and I take in the day
Sauntering out of bed in my PJs
No thoughts churn as my mind is so clear
Rays of light escape through windows
I absorb the pure newness of each moment
And I am carried away by morning
The stillness inside awakens my senses
Envelops me in the wide open space of being
The trees whisper in the wind
Birds sing in a vivacious clarity
And I am at peace
No filter for which to speak or think
No mask to hide flaws or true feelings
Just life being lived
Breath being breathed
Just me
It occurred to me, while completely engulfed in wonder staring at the magnificent and unreal beauty that is the Pacific Ocean, how little human beings spend time in awe. We may find little caveats of awesome, easily brushing them to the side to make room for the next, but rarely are we in a place of awe.
I think we should change that.
It struck me how this sensation is often attached to novelty, to an experience brand new. And we are so infrequently in that raw, observant state, full attention and alert focus on our present surroundings and circumstances. We shift and mosey through life as if we’ve seen it all before, saving those extra scraps of income to buy our way into something new, an original experience to stimulate the senses.
But where’s the joy in Now?
Surely life must contain some excitement, some meaning for us to go on, day in and day out, like our health depended on it. We drive the same paths and execute the same routines in an effort to simplify, to de-stress. The only problem here is we’ve become robots, conditioned, repetitive beings. We can pay a nod of respect for the consistency but our hearts, minds, bodies and souls need a kick of enthusiasm, and same old same old just wont cut it.
The truth is there is tremendous radiance in all things, in every aspect of life. Even within patterns. We merely need to be in the right place and space to truly witness it. Nothing needs to be bought or acquired, no accomplishment or step to success be completed. We are already enough, life is a gift just waiting to be unwrapped. Give yourself the gift and open up to the present.
Warning: If you are my father, grandparent or one who is uncomfortable with sex…DO NOT READ FURTHER. I write this with love:)
Why ignore biology
Stifle intimacy
Fear
Of what
Unbridled ecstasy
Reality meets fantasy
A language of love and lust
Leaves you hanging in the dust
Stripped away
Left to decay
Why fuck tomorrow
When you can fuck today
Sex is a must
Move or you’ll rust
Yield and adjust
Feel and thrust
Let go
Be free
You can renew
Just be
In the moment
Out in the open
Don’t be afraid
Just get laid
It’s not a game
You can’t win
You won’t lose
Just choose
To fuck
Say so what
Let’s rumble
And tumble
Get in trouble
Fumble
Draw it in
Breathe it out
No reason
No doubt
No order
No rhyme
Here and Now
Fuck time
No thinking
No stressing
No guessing
Just in it
Sin it
Win it
Let’s get into it
Together
Intertwined
Sublime
Warning! This subject matter in this article surrounds sex. I use the word f*ck without an asterisks. I talk about body parts (mostly non-genital, but still, be forewarned). I describe in detail why James Bond (Daniel Craig, specifically) is so sexy (the answers may or may not surprise you). These are merely the humble observations and musings from a woman who’s had crushes on men since the age of 3. If you don’t have the stomach for the content, no worries or offense intended, simply read one of many I’ve written on less lascivious subjects.
I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a separate site/blog/platform to write about sex, what it is to be sexy, who is sexy and why, sexual double standards (my research focus in college), and just flat-out honest truths about sexuality today. I don’t want to be dirty, raunchy or crass just for the hell of it. I want to write from an honest place. I like sex. I enjoy discussing it, watching it, having it and being turned on by others. I think it is the single biggest driver in life, beyond the need to be fed, clothed, sheltered, and quenched. What’s beautiful about sex is it somehow satisfies hunger and thirst while making you feel enveloped by heat, secure by the sheer vulnerability of the body that accompanies you.
Anyway, I digress…
As bizarre as it seems being a nearly three decade old human living in western civilization, I have never seen a Bond film. Correction: I hadn’t until 3 days ago. To be fair, I think I waited for the right time, and the right Bond. Nonetheless something in the allure escaped me until days ago. I’d seen numerous clips growing up. There’s something about iconic films and characters that seep into the fabric of our culture. I still haven’t seen Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi (I’m sure every nerd’s head is exploding) and yet I know, like everyone else knows, that Vader is Luke’s father. Spoiler alert.
So I grew up knowing Bond was charismatic, strong, clever, that he drinks martinis shaken, not stirred, and he can work his way into any woman’s pants. He’s mysterious, calm under pressure, aloof in emotion, and alert in passion. He’s the ultimate get for any villain and yet, given the chances time and time again, he always emerges alive, often unscathed. What I saw growing up seemed cheesy, over the top and nonsensical. Why would the antagonist finally get his hands on Bond only to give some ridiculous speech, a tour of his elaborate facilities, a look at the impossibly powerful weapon he’ll use to kill millions, only to have given 007 enough time to assess the environment and flip the script in his favor? Seemed so silly to me. My education on these films extends to sound bites of Sean Connery saying Pussy Galore in that classic accent of his, and the brilliantly funny Austin Powers films, the first in particular.
Cut to Now. Last year I saw Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and it was then I was privy to the raw sexual magnetism and acting talents of Mr. Daniel Craig. His eyes are piercing, seriously, it hurts to look right into them. His body is so, um, hold on I’m sweating, it’s just so, well, fuckable. Yeah, fuckable. There’s hardly a better word to describe it. I see him, the arms, the chest, the ASS; and my mind, body and heart all go to the same place: sex. He could charm the panties off a blind woman. The deep voiced British accent doesn’t hurt either.
Once the previews for Skyfall released, I realized I needed to nip this ‘I’ve yet to see a Bond film’ thing in the bud. So, my very own delicious man and I bought Casino Royale for 10 bucks on BluRay (very worth it!) and had a cozy Saturday night in. Within two minutes, I was regretting watching it with my husband. I mean no disrespect. Something I’ve learned being happily monogamous for over 7 years is the recognition that I am still human. As I mentioned above, I’ve been crushing on men since I was 3, since I can remember. I’ve yet to let go of my childhood crushes (Val Kilmer!), so I’ve accumulated a long, fascinating list of men I put into the spank bank.
Being attracted to another man, or men in my case, does not diminish the hotness my husband has. And he is hot. I’m quite lucky. I fully know and expect for him to feel the same way. He has Scarlet Johansen and other lovely, beautiful, sexy women to drool over. Feeling jealousy or being territorial only pushes people away and reveals ugly insecurities. And those are not sexy. Watching gorgeous people (like James Bond) have sex is titillating. It leads to awesome actual sex after. Try it yourself.
So as a young girl with no internet or tv in my room, I found my stimulation wherever I could. Top Gun (again, Val Kilmer), soap opera sex scenes, TV shows, magazines and album covers with cute guys, and with whatever fuzzy, unclear nudity I could find by surfing channels we didn’t really have access to. I like some erotica, naked people having sex certainly does the trick, but what sends me to withdrawal from the spank bank are films like Casino Royale.
The film begins with this beautiful neo noir style homage, black and white, Bond is waiting in the office of a man who’s wronged him/possesses a threat to MI6 (I will not explain what that is). You know someone’s eyes are incredible when you can see how bright blue they are in black and white! Whoa. Despite the icy color and striking gaze, what gives someone (Mr. Craig specifically) sex appeal is the life behind those sparkling eyes. And many Brits carry my favorite quality in a man: cheekiness. There’s a naughty element there, a mystery. He’s self-assured. He knows he’s sexy and he knows you know he’s sexy. One glance and you’re done. All the sudden you can’t find your skirt and you’re wondering how quickly your principles went out the door.
We follow 007 through nail-biting chase scenes, watching him as he climbs and scales high-rises, rides a stolen motorcycle on top of the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul (this is Skyfall), engages in fist-fights above a rapidly moving train, and punch after punch, step after step, Bond never breaks. He’s steely, unfazed , it’s as if he has Iron Man’s heart. He is rough, tough and fucking badass. The man could go for hours. Double entendre intended.
Where many of the previous 20 Bond films are considered silly and lacking in good story, the recent three have critics swooning over this new, bruising, hard-edged, almost angry Bond. Most have touted him as the best Bond ever. I’m biased, nonetheless I agree. Craig busts his balls (Literally! Watch Casino Royale’s infamous torture scene. He’s naked, in a chair. That’s all I will say.) to get the job done and once he’s strangled and beaten another terrorist, he dusts off his three-piece suit (men have lingerie, women have suits) quickly adjusts his cuff-links and moves on.
Whether he’s playing poker, involved in a highly dangerous shoot outs, seducing an exquisitely beautiful woman, or having a combative conversation with his boss M, he does not blink. He gazes deeply, confidently, resolutely, until everyone in his wake turns to mush. And what you can gather from someone’s gaze is their level of focus, their awareness and commitment to the moment. What makes 007 so enigmatic, so successful, so smart, so sexy? PRESENCE.
There’s nothing more attractive than a human being fully engrossed and absorbed in the Now. Bond is fast, strong, agile, nimble, but what gives him an edge is his keen observation of his surroundings, and his second to second responses to whatever the environment and the moment brings. When he’s making love, he’s not worried about work. Whatever rough skirmish exhausted him, leaving him with stab and bullet wounds, he repairs, accepts and moves on.
It should be noted that sex appeal has little to do with physical perfection or the perception of others. It’s certainly in the eye of the beholder. I happen to find Jeff Goldblum and other interesting artists very sexy, more for their minds and their talents than their bodies or faces. Daniel Craig, similar to his British cohort Clive Owen, is (to borrow a phrase from my favorite film critic, Dave White) handsomely battered by life. His face is weathered, like he’s really lived, and despite his body’s near perfection, his sexiness emanates from his being, from his mind, his heart, his loins, his skills, his strength, his intelligence, his sense of humor, and yes, his humility. The 6-pack is a mere bonus. Who he is behind the suit, the muscles, the eyes, the sensual breath, is far more sexy than any image can capture. This video is evidence.
Finding someone so acutely sexually attractive is both exhilarating and terrifying. Who knows what this specimen could do to me? I’d certainly love to find out. In one of my favorite moments from Casino Royale, Bond finds himself in love, a rare and unique experience for him, and while recovering from some fairly severe injuries that occurred in the torture scene I mentioned above, his lady love stares into his baby blues and utters, “If the only thing left of you was your smile and your little finger, you’d still be more of a man than anyone I’ve ever known.” And Bond replies with that suggestive grin, “That’s because you know what I can do with my little finger…”
Gulp. Jesus. I erupted in this burst of nervous, excited laughter. I was moan-breathing the whole time, concerned it was obvious to the man sitting next to me. Something about a man like that makes me satiate. Eyes, mouth, body watering, like I’ve been walking for days in the desert and am desperate to quench an insatiable thirst. It’s all biology, physiology, science. My mind, thoughts, emotions are not involved at all. I’ve been rendered a mute, just a willing female awaiting impregnation.
Sexual repression, guilt, doubt and insecurity is the culprit for much of our society’s unhappiness and overall fucked-up psychosis. I carry no judgment, I simply wish for others to loosen the reigns on their own criticism. Sex is a beautiful gift. It is fun, sweeping, engulfing, with tremendous health benefits to boot. Whether you dress your partner like Bond or another sexual figure, or you’re having a good ole time with yourself, the rush and release of sexual desire is medicine for your mind, body, heart and soul. Don’t doubt it. Go with it. You don’t have to look like Bond to feel like him, or a Bond girl for that matter, you’ve just got to appreciate your life and your loins and be unapologetic in expressing them.
Being prude, self-conscious or uptight is a waste of energy, a waste of time, a waste of life. We are here because of sex. We better damn well give thanks in whatever ways we can. Happy humping!
Desire, need, desperation to win, achieve or prove something to ourselves or others will drain us of our innate power.
An energetic and intense focus on mastering this moment and trusting the future will unfold well will manifest as an invigorating existence void of mind-made stress and anxiety.
If we realized what was actually, truly, genuinely important we’d start grabbing life by the balls and living it, with vigor, instead of letting our minds and egos keep us passively avoiding death, creating enemies where they do not exist, trapped each day in the psychological past and future, rather than the psychedelic beauty that is the present fucking moment.
Being alive is a gift.
It is intrinsically (awe)some and our past does not have to define us, imprison us or hold us captive in the myth of time.
Defining ourselves by words and thoughts alone imprisons our imagination and potential in an ever narrowing tunnel whose light diminishes exponentially the more staunchly we adhere to these descriptors.
We are not our past, our age, our socioeconomic class, our political affiliation, our nationality, our bank statement, our marriage license, our job title, our perceived reputation, our diploma, our ethnicity, our opinions or our engrained moral ideology.
We are life meant to be lived, realized, awakened, aware, enthusiastic, joyful, impassioned, fortunate beings.
We get to be humans here and now.
These short years aren’t meant to be wasted feeling inferior or superior, successful or inadequate, attractive or unattractive.
Whether physical or mental, we should stop wasting our lives in hatred of what is, of what we cannot change, in us or in others.
We owe it to our individual mind, body and heart to get over ourselves (our egos) and our preconditioned habits and beliefs, and bring acceptance, passion and exuberance into getting the most out of each moment and each day.
This isn’t confined to a specific set of rules or way of life.
We can and should pursue any myriad of career paths with gusto, enjoy the fruits of our labor, work within our own moral and ethical parameters, be cool with people and don’t take melodrama seriously.
Enjoy the ride, be fluid and in the flow of life instead of awkwardly rigid, working tirelessly to avoid trouble that only exists in the meaningless anxiety created by excessive thinking.
This reality is about taking responsibility and control of how we approach day-to-day life, how we perceive information and the events that encompass our days, and what our lingering effect is after the day is done.
How did this approach to life affect us and those around us?
When we daydream of our future success how does life look during the years committed to achieving those goals and rewards?
Are they riddled with what-ifs, major sacrifices, stress and a fixation with attaining the next promotion, raise, notoriety or form of success that lies outside of ourselves?
More simply stated, will our level of daily enjoyment and happiness be affected for many years if we follow these rules and steps?
What constitutes each rung of this metaphorical ladder?
Can we enjoy wherever we currently are in our careers, whatever level of expertise or income, and allow the external forms of success to be a bonus but not the reason for our personal contentment or self-esteem?
That is the key to looking back at our lives knowing we truly lived it.
We didn’t sweat ridiculous nonsense, define ourselves by other’s expectations or material acquisition.
We breathed with reverence each day and used that grateful, inspired energy to execute our lives at a higher, more alertly present level.
We navigated both calm and troubled waters with patience, humility and grace.
And hopefully a sense of humor.
This may seem very cerebral, intense and complex, but it is not.
Let’s drop the bullshit, own up to our thoughts, words and actions.
Let others be and don’t hesitate or doubt being ourselves.
Nut up or shut up.
Live and let live.
Go take an embarrassingly large bite out of life.
If I’ve learned anything at all, it’s that my life has been a series of self-fulfilling prophecies. When I believed love was bullshit, relationships were wastes of time and most people were assholes, guess what? That’s precisely what I experienced. I had no right. To watch many members of my family love one another is akin to listening to the hypnotic and tear-extracting sounds of an impeccable symphony. They love with reckless abandon and unrelenting loyalty. And so do I. Being analytical and pragmatic, even as a damn child, I learned from multiple divorces and negative displays of love that my heart was too fragile to be fucked with, and so I let it shrink, like the Grinch, narrowing my scope and understanding, limiting my experiences and ultimately, myself. The truth of the matter is, I’m not wrong. There’s endless corroborative evidence (a nearly 60% divorce rate, for example) to support my cynicism, but this world is exponentially complex and expansive, how could I ever pigeon hull every human being into one category, or even most of them? Or eliminate the possibility for people and circumstances to change? I can’t. It’s wrong, foolish and keeps me in a cyclone of crankiness. What fun. I’ve learned to feel grateful first, for the simple and the magnificent, and everything blossomed from there.
I spent roughly 4 years studying the depths of Nature vs. Nurture. I’ve spent subsequent years with less emphasis on the intellectual pursuit and more with the lessons bestowed by living. I believe wholeheartedly that the way we choose to nurture ourselves once we are responsible for our own growth is entirely indicative of our happiness and success level. My parents did their best job, despite divorces or mistakes, they loved us strongly, provided a pretty healthy genetic make-up to take care of the nature side, and then raised us in a stable, positive environment with valuable life lessons to round out the nurture aspects. Having a practical based brain and then being raised by very logical people fostered an entrenched sense of realism, with little emphasis on imagination or unknown manifestations. That was just me. This is not to disparage any family member; they’re compassionate, humorous people who gave me a love of food, travel and comedy, not to mention their belief I could do anything and the mental fortitude to take care of myself; however, there’s at times an imbalance because I made the poor decision to follow my strengths, opting out of anything that didn’t come natural to me, and when you have a hyperactive left hemisphere and choose then to squelch any right hemisphere thoughts or activities, you end up lop-sided.
Because of the way I decided to develop my brain, I was very detail oriented, athletically inclined, not afraid to say no, too afraid to say yes, and hung up on the past and anxious about the future. I had no outlet and no capacity to know I needed one. I truly grew up believing the bullshit that you are either a glass is half-full or glass is half-empty kind of person, with little credence given to the vast grey areas between or understanding of choice, that I could foster optimism, I wasn’t just born with or without it. I’d convince myself I was half-full but through various negative experiences, recognized my tendency toward the half-empty as a defense mechanism.
Because my parents got married and had children (child, me) young and inevitably got divorced, I used to carry judgment and disdain toward people who chose to engage in the same behavior. It’s none of my business. They are not my parents and although I do believe maturity will make you a better parent and there’s value in spending your twenties learning, exploring, dreaming; there’s just as much in taking on the responsibilities of a parent and doing that well. That’s just one of many examples where I see behavior repeated by someone I barely know that clearly had a caustic effect on me in my youth, and my pessimism led me toward judgment and ridicule, often sarcastic encounters, subsequent self-criticism and burned bridges. Self-fulfilling prophesy. I saw negativity or the potential for it, and I made it so. What a god damn bummer.
People who know me may attest to my kindness and loyalty, the fun side of my sense of humor and my very intense passion for things that I care about; and while I’d love to sit here and toot my own horn or give myself a break, I have to share honestly the facets of who I used to be, so I can better articulate my and other’s progress. I’m sure there are still people who’ve rubbed the old me (sometimes I call her Dani, and many people I love still call me this as she’s still apart of me, just a lesser used Danielle. Danielle 2.0) the wrong way, exhibited such repugnant and cancerous patterns that I’ve written them off or created my own invisible barriers to prevent their entry. In some instances this is wise, because those specific individuals may be hell-bent on living from their worst selves and it is not your or my responsibility to take the brunt of their bullshit and hope they’ll improve, or even fantasize our presence will do that for them, but you can choose to be optimistic, tactful in your interactions rather than defensive like I used to be, and feel compassion toward what is probably a very sad, unhealthy human being. And then there’s the cases where your/my built up walls are out of habit and keeping someone at a distance is only preventing you both from improvement, both together and apart. This is often the case with parents, family, old friends, or even co-workers. It takes a wise soul to delineate between the two. An easy way to distinguish is how you feel in their presence. Does this person bring the best or worst out of you? If it’s the worst, as some people try their damnedest to do to me, without knowing it of course; then you must wish them well and move on, painful as it may be.
Being the major work in progress I am, flawed and at times frustrated by what I don’t know or what I haven’t changed, I have to remain positive and hopeful about others and myself. The most freeing mechanism is my breath. When I feel a surge of discomfort, adversity or anxiety, whether it’s justified or in my head, instead of reacting inwardly or outwardly, I breathe. That creates space in my mind to choose my thoughts, which will then affect my emotional response, which will then be cast outward as my attitude and tone, which will then affect my interactions with the world around me. I discuss this often in Yoga, choosing the energy we bring into the room, and I’m finding the power to choose lies in just one moment and if I make the benevolent choice, the selection that is kind to me and others, that is also a self-fulfilling prophecy, compounded to an excessive level compared to the path of pessimism. The choice lies in every moment, not only in the big life decisions, but in the day-to-day. So, through the space that has been created with my breath, as simple and easy as that sounds, I’ve learned to alter my state of mind, my relative openness to the world around me. Instead of thinking before I speak, I breathe before I think, and then I think before I speak. And it’s working. It’s not finished, nor will it ever be, but it’s on the up-swing. When I encounter the disingenuous or antagonistic, it is then to deploy the parachute of optimism. I feel lighter. Negative people or circumstances just flow through, in one ear and out the other. I don’t enjoy them, nor would I choose to spend copious amounts of time or energy on them, but I choose merely not to carry them at all. My ego’s former need to put people in their place has surpassed, for the most part, and now armed with the responsibility of making my and potentially other’s days better, I’m certainly not going to let some cranky person weigh me down, choosing to see how the world is shit through their eyes, but rather looking to the kind soul next to them, who is eager and thoughtful and open to a better day. See into the light of that soul, not into the darkness of the other.
It’s easy to believe all goodness lies within our bubble and that bubble alone, and while it’s important to feel grateful for the good in your life and to surround yourself with it, feeling everything outside that box is somehow inadequate, negative or not worth your time leads down a winding path to pessimism and further self-fulfilling prophecies. Judging by the purely magnificent human beings I’ve met in the past couple years, I know the bubble theory is untrue. There is an abundance of goodness and greatness and I’d love to be privy to it all, to absorb anything and anyone I can, and hope to improve myself through expanding my circle. Having a small web of trustworthy, encouraging people will only champion a better you, but making room in your life for new, interesting people with varying perspectives and ideas will broaden you even further. Again, it’s a balancing game, and it is up to your wisdom to discern who you’ll allow into your bubble. You can at once be aware of individuals and situations that carry the potential to bring darkness while believing in your gut there is enough light in you and in the world to wash away the heavy. Allowing myself to be proved wrong keeps the progression train chugging, and simultaneously releasing any fixation with anything or anyone detrimental to that progression has led to a more authentically elated internal state.
It is very easy and extremely addictive to complain. Sure, we need to let out steam, vent our frustrations and find some solace in challenging encounters, but to the extent we take it is certainly questionable. Why, when we dislike someone, when they’ve wronged us in some way, is it then necessary to spread that negativity onto others, making others feel obligated not to like that person too? I’ve certainly been guilty of this in the past, and what’s most troubling is the degree to which I let these events stick with me, for fucking ever it seemed, not holding a grudge necessarily but definitely not letting go either. The ego needs constant validation, disagree with it and you may see tears, or fists, and the most empowering moments I’ve had is when I see my own ego at work, I watch the word-vomit spill out of my mouth and I watch as my self-fulfilling prophecies and the way I choose to nurture my own life come to fruition yet again. There’s a way to stand up for what’s right and give someone a firm, non-emotional no, a ‘present no’ as Eckhart Tolle calls it, without then perpetuating and exaggerating that event so it exists in you forever, becoming a permanent fixture in your operative state. What a colossal waste of time and energy. Imagine, if you carried and shared all the positive, enthusiastic, passionate and joyful experiences you’ve had, and during the bad days you choose to remind yourself of the good rather than letting the bleak tropical storm turn into a hurricane, choosing again optimism over pessimism, taking full responsibility for how you experience life and how you carry it on. Can you fathom how the world could open up for you? Can you embrace the unknown and be open to your and other’s possibilities? I certainly hope so.
I don’t believe optimism is an easy choice, but I do believe it’s the choice of wise, successful and genuinely happy human beings. We have this incredible facility to choose, to be hyper aware of our own existence and starkly aware of our impending death, that this knowledge can either drive us to fear, carving out even smaller boxes or circles, to a life of mediocrity and settling; or to sheer wonder, exploration, pleasure, learning, and a very heightened, engaged living. Living with presence, a relinquishing of control over the future but an omnipresent hope and exhilaration for what may come your way. When you begin to see the potential of your own mind and heart, the access to light and goodness at magnifies and expands, becoming its own self-fulfilling prophecy. Travel light, bringing emotional baggage with you around every corner only weighs you down and diminishes your light. See light, acknowledging the light in others only serves to reflect that light back to you, propagating your own goodness. Be light, making conscious decisions out of presence, making each moment better, will only make you more timeless, effervescent.
Ponder the impression you want to leave, not only on those you care deeply for, but those who’ll never know your name, only the lingering effect your energy left on them. Choose light and then brighten and spread it, no sense in hoarding, it’s not doing a number on your electric bill; if anything, your mind, body and heart will thank you, as will the countless souls left in your warm, vivacious wake. Take a look at this incredible short video created by futurist and optimist, Jason Silva. I know very little about this man, but what I see and experience leaves a lasting impression. His enthusiasm and yes, his light, are tangible and infectious, and his level of optimism only inspires me to soar to those heights, to believe in the innate goodness within myself, that same goodness that’s alive in You. I am ecstatic and energized for whatever and whoever rolls my way. I’m grateful years of skepticism and self-awareness led to my slow and gradual awakening, the truth that life is whatever the hell you can fathom it to be, my potential is only limited and thwarted by me, same for you, and whatever we believe it to be, will be.
No one is breathing, thinking, absorbing or acting for you. You make small and large choices every single day, starting with each breath. Make the challenging decision and choose optimism. Choose light.
The past is valuable because you learn. The stove is hot. Next time, I will not touch it as I will burn myself, as I just did. See, what a beautiful lesson the past has now taught us, and guess what? I haven’t burnt myself on the stove for a while; so yeah, feeling good. Learning to surrender the emotional scars, learning from your own mistakes while not dwelling in guilt and self-punishment, now that’s another story. All I can say is when we are trapped in the past, we repeat the past, over and over again ad nauseam. It’s not cute. Nor is it helpful or enlightening. It’s repetitive and banal until it becomes predictable and damaging. I look back on the men I used to be drawn to, or the one I let myself fall effortlessly into the void too many times, and I smirk and roll my eyes. What a dumbass. But you see? It’s just that kind of internal rhetoric that does not serve me NOW, the only fucking reality there ever is. At one point, I became fed up with my own patterns and I (with the support and encouragement of my mom and friends of course, an important tool) yanked myself out of it and truly moved on. That was just men. One sliver of what’s turning out to be a delicious savory sweet pie.
Now I struggle with self-doubt, less now that I’ve pursued teaching and writing truthfully with commitment, but I’ve been absorbing courage from some pretty incredible friends and colleagues, who live wildly open, naked, raw, and while I find it important to be that friend for others, who cheers them on, supports their expression and is proud of their ballsiness, I need to turn that good friend in me and direct it inward, because no one will get me to do anything but me, the good me that says I’m worthy just as others are, that just because there are streams of talent and beauty being showcased there is no necessity for comparison. Expression is expression and regardless if I blow people away, the release of letting something out nourishes me beyond what any purchase, drug or fear could placate. The bad me says it’s self-indulgent, attention seeking and nothing life-changing so why bother? Because I wouldn’t let some asshole tell me I’m worthless and shitty so why would I tell that to myself? It’s astonishing how much we can get in our own way, basically because we’re choosing fear over love. Think about the decisions you’ve made, big and small, day-to-day in how you engage with others to getting up on that dance floor or making that big speech, falling in love, reaching out when in need, whatever those triggers are for you. How often have you stopped yourself from speaking, acting, crying, believing, loving? We can change this. Patience, practice and presence.
So I’d say my fears and my sense of time, derived by my complex mind, have allowed me to slowly evolve and learn, but I’ve managed to keep some childhood patterns, the one where I won’t try something unless I know I’ll be good at it (WTF is that?! What arrogant asshole assumes they’ll be good at everything? Clearly everything worth doing is challenging. I’m learning.), meaning I must show potential in this or why am I here? The answer is growth. That’s why I’m here and while I feel it’s helpful and important to follow your strengths so you can give whatever gift is inside outwardly, we mustn’t shy away from attempting things that scare us because of some hypothetical bullshit, scaredy cat attitude, where we project potential scenarios into the future, predicting embarrassment and ridicule, instead of reality where human beings are kind and supportive and appreciate vulnerability and someone’s willingness to fall down and get back up.
So the past is repeated and the future is rehearsed. Boy was I a dreamer as a child. I’m pretty sure I had insomnia. I was fine, healthy, functioned adequately, but I did spend many nights awake just pondering, wondering, dreaming, and while that’s fun and imagination should certainly be fostered, I fell into a pattern (conditioned by my past) to focus my attention and enthusiasm at achievements or events arriving at a later day. So, I predicated my happiness on something happening down the line. I’d make myself sick from excitement or stress (one might call this anxiety) and I look back at periods of my life as if they’re a blur, because I spent so much of that time trapped in my mind, reliving the past, anticipating the future. I’m starting to sound like a broken record to my yoga students because I mention this often, but everything I’ve learned and gathered in my life thus far, has led me to this truth. This may be the only thing I know for sure. Happiness exists, joy animates, enthusiasm projects, and acceptance takes residence in this very moment, this fraction of a second, Now, and nowhere else. It’s not over there, it’s not marked on your calendar, it’s not within another human being or animal, not at your apartment, or your workspace, not when you can practice your hobby, or have that drink or puff. It’s not when you graduate, when you get the promotion or raise, that new car, new bag, new stuff, new look, new friend, new romance, or the next new magical gift that will then turn the light inside you ON. It’s right fucking here, right fucking now. Surrender to that, and your outward expression and experience in this measly little lifetime we’re given will become so vast and spacious, you’ll be overwhelmed. You may enjoy the aforementioned things, derive pleasure, but these are merely bonuses, facets to a rich existence, but not the path to long-term contentment or internal success.
I still find myself questioning decisions I’ve made or will make. I find myself disheartened and perplexed by human beings constantly, those I have to deal with on a consistent basis, and while I have days where I just feel like shit, I feel low, I feel like no one gives a fuck, I’m able to pull myself out of that mind-induced slump quicker, knowing that I give a fuck and there is a short list of quality human beings and a few animals who care too. This world is consuming, moving rapidly but progressing slowly, and it’s imperative that your personal sense of time and your stage in this evolutionary process is completely removed from the world’s time, clock time, psychological time. Use the past as a tool to remind yourself you’ve repeated a pattern, get to know your inner monologue and adjust it to uplift yourself. Use the future as fuel to fire up the present, because the better you are in THIS moment, imagine the result in the next. Use time as a tool, not a crutch. Surrender the unknown, what you cannot control and what you cannot change and bring more vibrancy to learning, using what you do know, regulate what you can from within and let it bleed out.
Surrendering attachment, truly letting go is a gradual, inside out process. Giving up caffeine or cigarettes will only eliminate a fraction of the problem, until our lingering resentment and soured expectations conjure up a new vice to diminish the negative web our minds are spinning. Sure we need to let go of the past, forgive ourselves and others, recognize what’s done is done, the bell can never be un-rung, but the real strength is in surrendering each moment, accepting yourself and your extenuating circumstances AS THEY ARE, not as they could have been or how they should be or how you hope they’ll be, but accepting responsibility to control your reactions, your perceptions and ultimately your attachment to whatever IS. Eckhart Tolle, Joseph Campbell and many brilliant Yogis and philosophers explain and personify this beautifully. It’s beyond even the most beautifully written words. It is a truth you must infuse into your way of living and being. It’s not to be labeled. It’s not a noun, verb or adverb. It just Is. You just Are.
Can you continue to blossom as the external dares you to shrink? Can you give yourself warmth and light from the very essence you are when the thunderous darkness of your ego and it’s stubborn attachment to the unimportant aim to envelop you, leaving you cold and confused, even more steeped in fear, feeling even more alone. You can start very easily by accepting your mind and body as it is right now, there’s nothing you can do in this moment to change it or manipulate it so you somehow perceive it positively. Let go of comparison, of judgment, of expectation and just embrace yourself and the Now. Notice even within a challenging task how surrender feels. The more you fidget, grimace, or clench (physically and mentally), the more difficult and frustrating it will be. What you resist persists. It is difficult because our minds are cunning, clever little bastards and they seek to retell the same boring sob story over and over again. Just begin by bringing awareness to whatever your patterns are, wherever your tendency toward control manifests and through that awareness, a space will open up for wisdom, kindness, acceptance and release. Let go.
You deserve the most vibrant life a human can live. Believe it and Be it. Turn ON the light the only way possible, yourself, without worry for other’s brightness, your genuine example of acceptance and enthusiasm for this moment is bound to rub off positively on someone. And if not, you’ve got You and that’s one hell of an accomplishment. Those of us working to find more presence and light within can serve others by bouncing off ideas, giving support, and when in doubt, thinking and acting out of compassion. I am merely a work in progress, but I’m sincerely jazzed and buzzing from the challenge that is living a remarkable life, aiming to brighten my and someone else’s day and find that more darkness has faded away.
No matter the weather, no matter your upbringing, your socio-economic status, your religious or political affiliations, your sexual preferences, your grade point average, your color, your size, your current job or your dream job, your perceived status or reputation, the details of your past or projections for the future, You can choose to turn on that light, operate from your best essence and surrender to what is, to embrace here and now, proactively choose Love instead of reactively choosing fear. Surrender is under-valued and connotes images of a white flag and of loss. Bullshit. It takes strength to let go. You’re a bright shiny winner.
I’ve yet to write about the written word. Odd. I love to read and do so frequently, but the experience gleaned from reading a book is usually so personal, so rich in depth and detail that it’s difficult to truly discuss or recommend with anything but a skewed perspective. I suppose everything I’ve shared has been from my own opinions and experiences but I choose to extract my own lesson and then express it in hopes it’ll snowball with positivity. Much of my favorite philosophical material makes its way into my writing and my yoga classes but to summarize the inspiration packed into a good book feels daunting. Kudos to those of you who can and do that brilliantly. I respectfully ask for your open-mindedness as I sum up and recommend a beautiful book I read recently, one that carries within truths I’ve learned from other sources, but so precisely and exquisitely provides useful information and such wise insight that I must encourage you to read it yourself. This book is My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor.
I love novels, imagination, stories, but I’m drawn to varying perceptions and expressions of reality, of truth. I suppose that’s why I studied psychology and why I pursue other artful sciences, because they live almost permanently in the gray. I like the back and forth, the theoretical tennis it involves, the minds you encounter and discover and the lessons you learn about yourself and life. I love to think and I love to laugh. I read mostly autobiographies, memoirs, satire and philosophy. This is predominantly, not entirely. I will read almost anything, this just seems to be my tendency. My Stroke of Insight is at once a stunning true story told from the author’s perspective and also a meaningful lesson on both the duality and the ambiguity of the human existence. It’s 200 pages of fascinating information, beautiful insight and impassioned story-telling. I can’t wait to re-read it.
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor was a brain scientist, a career she pursued after growing up with a brother afflicted with schizophrenia, a tragic neurological disorder widely misunderstood in the medical community, whose sufferers more often than not take their own lives. In between hours of neuro-chemical research, Jill traveled the country on behalf of the Harvard Brain Bank, encouraging others through enthusiastic speeches and catchy jingles to donate their brains to science (once deceased of course, not as some sort of sacrifice, just to be clear). There were very few as educated or as passionate as Dr. Taylor was about the human brain and it’s functioning. Her story took an astonishing turn when she suffered from a massive stroke in the left hemisphere of her brain on December 10th, 1996. My Stroke of Insight follows her experience from the morning of the stroke, her post-stroke experience in and out of the hospital, and her arduous, 8 year recovery back to a fully functioning and even better human being.
As many of you may know, we have two hemispheres in our very complicated brains. Each side is responsible for various functions and both work together to create a singular reality rather than a confusing duality. I, personally, have always been envious of left-handed people. Sounds ridiculous I’m sure, but I learned at a young age that left-handedness often leads to some gnarly artistic expression, a unique experience in day-to-day life and all around more balanced human beings. There is scientific research to support that left-handed people tend to have strengths on both sides of the brain and tend to grasp bigger picture lessons even easier than most. There are exceptions to every rule and we certainly should factor in one’s environment but if you just take a poll of famous artists, a strong number of them are left-handed and I don’t believe that’s an accident. I think their dominant right brain had something to do with it. The lesson this book taught me is I have every capacity to tap into my right brain regardless of my left brain’s desire to dominate. I can certainly carve out the details of my life to support a more balanced functioning, a life where I take advantage of the positives provided by each hemisphere. It helped me to stop assuming I wasn’t an artist because I’m so clearly linguistic, mathematic, sporty and analytical. I can choose to pursue the other side and level myself out to live a full life.
Jill hemorrhaged into her left hemisphere, specifically the areas processing language, that includes both the spoken and written word. She heard people speaking and her brain processed it as if a dog was barking. The left side is also where we carry our mathematic understanding (those of you who struggle with math can feel proud that you are probably more right-brained, you are not lesser than in any way, despite what traditional public schools lead some to believe, it’s simply a matter of brain chemistry and how your unique brain processes information. fascinating!), spacial concepts, athletic tendencies and a sense of time, linear sequences allow you to make sense out of what happened before and therefore what may happen next. Something as simple as knowing to put your socks on before your shoes is lost when your left hemisphere is impaired. Incredible. Your left brain also houses your inner (sometimes outer) monologue, your incessant stream of thoughts, judgments and analysis. This voice can either help or hinder you. I feel often it simply takes over and rather than us voluntarily thinking, thinking just happens to us, similar to our hearts pumping and our lungs drawing in and releasing air. One of the life-changing lessons I’ve learned from this book and from another favorite, Eckhart Tolle, is we are in charge. I can positively affect the rate of my heart beat, the quality of my breath and content circulating in my mind. And they’re all connected.
Now, as painful and difficult as it was for Jill to essentially lose who she was, the knowledge and memories she’d gained, and to be tasked with re-learning basic human functions, motor skills, language, math, time; it was equally if not beyond cathartic for her to experience life all right, entirely out of the right hemisphere that is. Our right brains don’t see ourselves as solid, independent beings separate from the rest of life. Instead, the right hemisphere recognizes the universal truth, we are all One, alive in the only “time” there ever is, Now. While Jill laid relatively motionless in her hospital bed, confused and in pain, she also felt a supreme light within her, she felt as if her body and mind was fluid, no beginning or end, at One with everything around her. Instead of processing the words people were speaking to her, she could only perceive their attitudes, their energy, their sense of presence in her company. That’s why during her recovery, she responded best to those who treated her like a fellow sentient being, not someone who was broken with irreparable damage, but someone who was new and perfectly capable of making a full recovery. She needed patience, kindness and belief.
We learn in school that 93% of communication is non-verbal (that was the figure when I was in school, it may vary a percentage point or two now). That’s why many of us are sensitive to tone, facial expression and body language over simple words. I’m fairly sensitive to those who come across disingenuous. I’d almost rather you be slightly negative in my presence than fake, because insincerity and role-playing have become a normal way to function in our society and although respect and manners are important, honest and authentic exchanges foster more positivity and growth than acting our way through life. The reason I’ve developed more and more happiness and substantive relationships is partially due to luck and partially because I became fed up with my left brain, the judgmental mind chatter and the pursuit of society and what I felt were other’s definitions of a full life. It is no surprise to me that the majority of people I choose to surround myself with these days operate out of a very right-brained mentality. They’re compassionate, understanding, funny and loving people. Left brainers have that potential too. I’m a left brainer and I’m striving for balance.
I learned in My Stroke of Insight the value of each hemisphere. My left brain dominance has allowed me to rarely be late, to remember every single important date imaginable and to pick up languages fairly easily. I have a decent memory and keen hand-eye coordination. I also have atrocious hand-writing, cannot draw or paint to save my life and I can be pretty stubborn about certain beliefs. I’ve found it valuable through reading and learning to pinpoint my strengths and also my weaknesses. I love being surprised by someone who initially rubbed me the wrong way. I care much less about the outcome of sports games than I used to, focusing now on the enjoyment of watching or playing, or simply choosing other hobbies instead. My mind is much more open and pliable now. My religion is Love, my political beliefs are a hodge podge of values stemming from key issues and align with no particular party or person (It is my goal to feel less and less discouraged by the insincerity and greed in our government, it’s a work in progress), and I’ve been fortunate enough to use my athletic sensibilities with creativity and philosophy as I teach yoga. And I’ve discovered to be and feel artistic, you just have to open your heart and find your own expression. It’s in there, go find it.
This book gave me such rich information not only on the details of our brains, but my brain in particular. It’s another window into understanding humanity and feeling more connected and empathic, rather than more separate. It also provides such a slew of wisdom on recovery, both as a the sufferer and the caretaker. Regardless if you or someone you love has suffered from a stroke or some other physical/mental setback, this book provides a myriad of coping mechanisms and methods for success in dynamic ways. It’s beautiful to see that even within the black and white, the specific functions of each hemisphere, there’s still potential for a world of interpretation, a kaleidoscope of conjecture, a sea of gray . While we are one in the same with our fellow man and this planet in general, we can still hone our distinctive characteristics and views as an individual, adding something special to the whole. I feel grateful to have a fully functioning brain and body and completely empowered by the knowledge and truth that I am in charge of cultivating my mind, body and life to keep improving, keep working toward balance and peace.
If you’ve read any of my previous articles (and I thank you if you have), then you’ve most likely surmised that my aim is not to simply review a piece of art and dissect it for its validity or awfulness, but more to share the process and effect something had on my head and heart, how it may have improved me as a human being and how it may support you through whatever circumstances make up your days. I digress, run off on tangents, interrupt myself consistently and find new lessons even as I write, just as I’m doing right now, but know that in these 63 articles, my goal is to spread something beneficial and positive, to share a bit of myself and hope that it resonates with you, therefore connecting us all even more. Whether through a delicious meal, a spell-binding film, gut-busting piece of comedy, beautiful music, a page-turning book, or some random life-lesson I’ve acquired through my own mistakes or been shown by other’s wisdom, my method of scratching an itch is to process and analyze my mental and physical response and hopefully express it in a unique, creative and ultimately helpful way. So if you’ve read many of my pieces and thought, wow, she’s all over the place, what’s her objective? Her plan? Her purpose? It’s simply to pass on what is working for me, let go of what isn’t and encourage everyone to find their own version of the same. I certainly hope that’s coming across. Thank you for the platform and the feedback. I hope we all continue to connect and get better together.
Explore the dynamics of your individual brain, the duality of life and everything in between. Be open. Absorb. Evolve. Learn from the past and then let it go. Look forward to the future but don’t look forward for contentment. Euphoria and satisfaction are within you and can only truly be experienced through the right brain’s truth, Here and Now.
I am not one that gives credence to superstition, astrology, or numerology. I’m fairly fact based, über logical, teetering on unromantic. Boy what love will do to drastically morph your perspective. I do believe there is no reality, there is only perception. And how I perceive the world, and days like today, changes depending on my current physical and mental state. I’m drawn to Yoga and the unique manifestations inspired by Love because of how it’s reformed me; a recovering cynic, someone plagued by their own expectations, the worry I’ll never meet them, and the vicious cycle of placing them on myself time and time again. Where will I be by this date? This age? This stage? This page? It doesn’t matter.
What matters, of course, is where I am in this moment. And if in this moment, I’m corrupted by the soul squandering thoughts of disappointment and self-doubt, then how am I possibly affecting my world? Not well, or certainly not well enough. So, Yoga allowed me to relax, dip into the ooey gooey, lovey dovey parts of me I was too fearful to extract on my own, so I let people and practice do it for me. Like most of us, I place importance on uplifting my friends, encouraging them in a way I can’t seem to turn on myself. They of course give that right back to me, but why can’t we give it to ourselves first, truly, genuinely live by example, through the love of self? Intellectually I know I’m worthy of love, otherwise it would lead to a lack of standards in my external life, in how I allow others to treat me and treat those I love. And so I’m recognizing how relationships are teachers in the school of treatment. We get what we give and slowly I’m opening to treating myself how I treat others and how they treat me. I hope we all can do the same.
We all have significant numbers in our lives. I’ve mentioned in a previous article that mine is 22; interestingly enough a multiple of 11, a double-digit repeat, and a number more readily seen in the western world of digital clocks and a love of sports. 11 conjures up a mixture of emotions. Coincidence often predicates significance. Instead of placing too much importance on fatalism or these random occurrences, I choose to let them remind me to love and be grateful. Those reminders are never bad, never overlooked.
Perhaps the truth of today is the emphasis on the number 1. All numbers are divisible by one and when multiplied by one the result is itself. Many conscious beings on this planet, regardless of the deity they choose to believe or derive inspiration, adhere and adorn a universal truth: Everything is One, We are all One. It is in this vein, in this truth, that I write today. I feel more deeply connected to humans and other sentient beings today than I have any previous day, this having little to do with 11-11-11, and more to do with the epiphanies and revelations I’ve had on my journey to this point. Like a trek, climbing Mount Everest, I stop at base points to restore and reflect on what I’ve acquired up to now. Today is an opportunity to hold, ponder, breathe deeply while still, listen profoundly while silent, allow the past to sink in and the future to unfold while being one with presence.
I woke up this morning, unable to speak, frustrated for a moment and then empowered by other facets of communication. I will smile as I usually do and connect in the greatest way nature gave me, in a sincere recognition of one’s presence, a notion of gratitude and an inherent knowledge of giving and receiving Love.
I am One. I am All. You are Love. So am I. We are One. Love One. Love All. One Love.
Numbers mean nothing
Sentiment is contrived emotion
To feel deeply, let go
To experience love, give
Where are we going?
Where’s the value in doing?
Significance is determined by perception
Dream the result of conception
We underappreciate being
Overappreciate speaking
Disrespect stillness
Negate realness
What is my real voice?
Where do I belong?
I am at once all and none
You, Me, Him, and She. We’re ONE.
mastic8onthis 