I’ve been so appallingly fortunate my entire life to have been surrounded by good people. Even those dealing with personal demons still retained their humanity and their ability to love. Since becoming an adult and encountering different walks of life, while still fostering existing relationships, my fellow earthlings have taught me invaluable lessons, inspired me to tears and extracted an even better human being out of me, slowly. I think I was born with a really big heart, full of compassion and gratitude, but I’m also plagued with an overactive mind, that at times seeks to supersede my slowly evolving heart. When I’m with those of you who’re impacting me positively, whether it be family, close friends, Yoga students, fellow teachers, or those I’ve yet to know personally but the effect of your influence has stuck, I feel enlightened, uplifted, full, warm, and almost explosive with what I feel is a collective potential. I just want to hug everyone, it’s almost nauseating my level of happiness.
Then, at times, in my off hours, alone, under the gray wintery skies, out of communication, when it’s just me, the voice in my head is louder than the beat of my heart. I have to remind myself to breathe deeply, to feel and hear the sound of life moving in and out and to quell the cynical, lonely voice seemingly screaming I am not enough. I’d say 90% of the time, I feel content, joyful, appreciative and full of love. It’s that pesky 10% that closes the door of my heart, brings out the inner and outer judgement, and makes me feel stuck. I scramble to interact with others, via text, via social media, via coffee shops, public transportation, via life. Perhaps I have difficulty being alone and allowing the love I feel the majority of the time to be reflected inwardly as well as out. The irony is how independent and self-sufficient I encourage myself and others to be. The truth is I need you. I need others. And just admitting that feels sad, but I’m learning to surrender and accept that and to do my best to give to you what you’ve given to me. And that symbiotic exchange and knowing will pull us out of the self-doubt, the loneliness, the confusion, the darkness, and bring us gently back into the light, the warmth, the support and the love.
Below is just a reflection of those moments where I felt my heart closing up again, the skepticism creeping back into my thoughts and the voice in my head sliding toward the negative. So often I experience such profoundly positive highs from the interaction with others that when I return to normalcy, I sometimes feel low. My objective during these moments is to bring awareness, feel it fully and handle it honestly. All I want for others is to feel the love I’ve felt and to feel that most of the time, and when they don’t, to remind themselves they will again. I’m so grateful, even when sad, and I hope the truth of who I’m unraveling to be is someone who has affected you in a positive way, whether it be subtle or more profound, through my writing, teaching, friendship or casual encounter. I wish you Love.
Buoyant Heart
Sardonic, demonic
Charred and scarred
Black, bleak
Enigmatic, mystique
Enlivened by promise
Distempered by lies
Heavy and wounded
Achey and guarded
Prayers for amnesia
Begging for mercy
Laborious, treacherous
Searching for light, hope
Desperate to float
Reparation required
Overwhelmed by the task
Progress out of necessity
Please find the opening
Relax, receive
Uplift yourself
Surrender the pride
Love is worth the risk
Go for the ride
Do not drown
You cannot sink
Stay above
No guard, no glove
Exhale, release
Have the courage to start
Carry within, a buoyant heart
I want what's inside me to reflect the beauty, stillness and strength of this, and to provide the world a similar positive contribution as simple and profound as a tree.
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